anyhoo…

where was i? yes, am sick with flu. ‘lucky’ me that the flu season coincides with ramadhan this year and here i am having a leaking faucet complete with megaphone-booming sneezing that can be heard from miles away. i was fine this morning, and now i’m not fine. the irony of it is that i was just talking about flu and fever and sneezing with ints the other day and here i am, flu-ish, sneezy and feeling feverish.

so, how’s your ramadhan so far? or for the non-muslims, how’s your september so far? surprisingly enough my ramadhan started off great; no chronic hunger or thirst, and not really tiring. but then again it may have something to do with the fact that i hardly move all day long. hardly move as in i’m rooted to my seat (or my bed as was the case for the first day) yes, i’m fully aware of the term berat-bontot to describe that situation but in my defence i’m fasting, so there (why am i suddenly being a tad paranoid of people calling me berat-bontot is beyond me)

talk about roots, one of the plants that i bought at ikea is dying. yes turak, that plant is dying. no, not the one at home - that one is just fine from the look of it - it’s the one at the office. i thought it would need some sunlight and what-not because the leaves started yellowing, so during the merdeka weekend i left it in the meeting room near the window and today (or rather yesterday) i came into the office and saw that half of the leaves were dead. this just goes on to confirm that a) am not meant to be a botanist and b) my office is a plant killer (2 potted plants before this met the same faith) have put the plant on the window sill in the office and am hoping that its fate will turn around soon from having some sunlight (apparently flourescent light is just ain’t enough for it)

by the way, how’s this for being vain? i know i’m sick and have leaking nose and all that right, but i still put on my night creams. now everytime i blow my nose i keep thinking be gentle, be gentle, i don’t want the cream to be wiped along with the snot as well. thanks to turak, i have started putting vitamin e concentrate on my face and it has started showing some results. the only downside to the concentrate that it is very thick and everytime i put it on it feels like i’m putting glue on my face (i know it’s not glue, but i just can’t shake the feeling)

so back to ramadhan.

this morning was a bit taken aback when i heard raya songs have started blaring from this one shop. isn’t it a bit too early for that? it’s only the 2nd day of fasting. we have like 28 more days to go before we can celebrate raya. and speaking of ramadhan, it seems the buffet fest has already begun. everywhere there’s buffet this and buffet that. i must admit that the last few ramadhans i have been sucked into the whole buffet fest thing but this year am making a concious decision of not going to any buffet dinner at all. ok, maybe just go to one buffet dinner but that’s it. we pay 50 ringgit for foods that are basically worth half of it. so membazir ok! *matilamak kene smash lepas ni!

that said am cutting back on buffet and eating in general so that self can look less like a whale and more like a dashing stud that i am meant to be. oh my god did i just refer to myself as a stud?! i know, i want to throw up myself.

ok, so the sneezing is back on now even after i have taken clarinase, so am gonna go to sleep now. am thinking of taking mc tomorrow but damn there’s a lot of work and if i go on mc now none of it will ever get done and it will just annoyed me that people would rather push the deadline than actually have somebody covered my work and maybe lighten my load a bit. maybe another request for raise is overdue.

so, to malaysians, happy belated merdeka day and to the muslim, happy fasting (we have 28 more days to go y’all!)

Anyhoo…

First thing first. I think I have made one of the best ever investments in my life. No, I’m not talking about investing in Public Mutual (although that investment is in the plan) I’m talking about my investment in buying oversize tote (investment la sangat kan? Haha!)

So last Saturday, possessed by the spirit of Shopaholic mase jumpe Si Bedah, I bought a tote bag. Huge tote. Today, still possessed lite2 gitu by said spirit, I went to KLCC to look for a tote bag I saw at East India Company boutique only to be told that KLCC doesn’t have said boutique. Aiyo! So how?

So I googled la! 10 minutes and a few clicks later, I discovered there’s one East India Company boutique in Sogo. Mrase redah Sogo Sabtu ni nak carik bag tu (ntah2 tak sampai Sabtu aku dah berlari2 ke Sogo kerna tak dapat menahan rasa rindu dendam terhadap tote bag ittew, ops!)

Yes, the investment part. My oversize tote bag can fit a lot of things uols! I stuffed my Mydin purchase and my umbrella inside my tote and there’s still room!

A little detour.

I admit, the reason I stuffed my Mydin purchase inside my tote sebab shopping kat Mydin agak memalukan. I know, I know, takde ape nak dimalukan except maybe being compared to the immigrants who like to shop there by your own sisters (jahanam punya adik aku!) but it just so happens Mydin sells a lot of sewing supplies and they’re cheap! Sedozen zip 18inci for RM2.70 and that’s like super cheap! The shopaholic in me goes OMG everything is cheap, grab, grab, grab! but thankfully the more saner part of me told me that no, I do NOT need 6 seam rippers and that using the art cutter that I have at home as a seam ripper is perfectly fine (I do however still have the urge to go buy those seam rippers. 6 for RM3, murah occay!)

End detour.

So yes, I do love my tote bag and I think it’s the greatest kind of bag ever and I’m buying another one (apesal la the supposed saner part of me tak melarang pon aku nak membeli tote bag satu lagi ni?! Maybe supposed saner part pon memang suka tote bag kot, gitu justification. Haha!)

So yes, I’ve been having clandestine trips to Mydin to buy sewing supplies (ok, takdela clandestine tapi biasala kan pondan, nak jugak drama lebih-lebih tu, ops! matila carut diri sendiri!)

I’ve been meaning to start sewing tapi still la jugak kain-kain tu seme tak bersentuh. Not that I don’t have the time (boleh je spare mase dalam sejam dua nak gunting kain tu kan) tapi nak gunting tu takut. Some people don’t care if they mess up, it’s just fabric, but me, alah kalau salah nanti sayang je kain tu kene buang. Ala2 sindrom sayang kain kaedahnya.

It’s not like I bought most of the fabrics. My friend Nish has a sister who happens to work at Nagoya (the textile store), and selalu bawak balik kain. Sebab dah banyak sangat, Nish donated some to me, so I got those for free. Then my sister told me that she has a lot of fabrics. Beli, beli, beli tapi tak tempah buat baju. Then last time I bought kain sepoloh hengget as practise material konon-kononnya tapi practise material still ada dalam plastic bag tak berusik.

So this weekend, I’m gonna force myself to make something, using the ugliest fabric out of the bunch (something brown colored with yellow floral motif) The pattern is all ready and just needs to be altered for my purpose. Senang cita seme2 pon dah ade except aku je yang malas and tak yakin nak membuat.

So yes, this weekend I shall be sewing.

Which brings me to: apesal tiap2 kali aku mention pasal jahit menjahit ni everyone goes, nanti bolehlah tempah baju. Turak, jangan komen cakap nanti kite buat business ko jahit manik bla, bla, bla! Mak tamau dengar! *matila meroyan!

And with that, terima kasih sebab membaca my drivel. Sekian hamaklum.

Ya, saya.

Saya call dari Company X nak jemput encik datang ke rumah terbuka kami. Encik bolehlah bawak isteri dan anak En. Asm@di datang sekali pegi rumah terbuka tu.

Ok…

Boleh saya tahu berapa umur encik?

25*

Dan En. Asm@di dah berkahwin ke?

Tak. Single.

(an ever so slight pause)

Kalau macam tu takpela encik, sebab kitorang hanya menjemput orang yang dah berkeluarga saja.

Then she hung up.

WTF?!

~*~

With most of the telemarketing calls that I received lately, this is what I noticed: once I mentioned that I’m 25* and single, there’s an ever so slight pause before the telemarketer resumes talking.

Well, maybe I’m paranoid. But I don’t think so. I think The Pause (capitalised to make it important-sounding) really does exist.

I’m really fine with being 25* and single. I see no wrong in other wo/men being 25* and single. But The Pause, well, with The Pause, the telemarketer made being 25* and single sound not just plain wrong, but also criminal as well.

The Pause, silent as it may be, practically screams, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

The Pause implies that by the virtue of my age, I shouldn’t be single anymore. As a man of a certain age, I am expected to have a wife, and at least one kid. If you’re 25* and married but have no kid, then the telemarketer won’t give you The Pause, but instead think that a) you are tak berapa laku you ended up being married “late”(25* being considered as late?! Good heavens!) or b) you’re infertile. Most probably a mixture of a) and b) (kawin lambat sangat so everything dah kecut, you know, that kind of thing)

Yes, The Pause implies all that, and in fact, much more.

~*~

It’s not that I’m dying to go to the open house, but discriminating me because of my marital status? That’s just plain stupid. So single people is not entitled to buy house, is that it? (the company that called me is a property company)

So the next time I get a call from a telemarketer and I hear The Pause, I’m just gonna hang up. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna save myself from having to listen to a lot of promo talk with this kind of filtering.

* obviously the asterisk is there to tell you I’m not really 25 innit?

*gitu feeling2 celebrity, haha!

Sorry if this blog feels like it has been abandoned. In a way it is, since I haven’t even replied to any of the comment, and I’m sorry. Lately I’ve been either a)busy or b)stumped on what to write. My life is not so exciting you see, so I try to refrain from writing mundane things as to avoid being accused as attention-whore.

Ok, first thing first!

Thanks to Ints for inviting me to her housewarming BBQ and also for having me at her new house. That place is fabulous! Next time I need a place to sleep I know where to go, haha! My last-minute Sunday brunch with the girls also went well (Ints, jom makan Domino’s lagi! Tetibe teringin plak nak makan pizza ikan bilis tu!)

It has been ages since all of us got together, so it was a lot of catching up, and also a lot of gossiping information sharing. A few tips for you guys out there when buying presents for your friend’s housewarming party:

1) Buy gift early, or else like me you’ll end up giving your friend plants, when you know your friend is bad with plant. Ints has promised to take good care of Rudolph the plant though, but I have a suspicion that Rudolph will end up at her mom’s place instead (Tu nanti adela mak aku nak bawak balik rumah tu, when I told Ints about her mom complimenting Rudolph)

2) Don’t put your gift in misleading box. Ints opened a wrapped present from her friend to reveal a mobile phone box. Eee, bagusnye kawan Ints ni bagi die handphone untuk housewarming gift, we were all thinking. Then Ints opened the box to reveal 2 bars of herbal soaps in the shape of teddy bear (walkie-talkie for Yen and Gee we joked. Nevermind, it’s a private joke)

3) Don’t wear a blouse with buttons that almost came off loose, or else you’ll have wardrobe malfunction right smack in the middle of Pavillion and had to hurry from one shop to another trying on clothes to buy (Turak, this advise is for you. As, camne ni?!, she wailed. Cepat, cover dgn handbag! I said. Turak looked like a women afraid of being robbed. Banyak sangat duit kan? ops! Hahahaha)

Also discovered last weekend that a friend to a friend happened to be an amateur pr0n-star, after his video made the round at various 3GP sites. Having seen the video, all I can say is it’s a funny clip, with bits of sarcasm from the main actress. It also has the kind of fakery you come to expect from pr0n clips (Sayang! Sayang! OH MY GOD!)

Up next: Why the recent calls from telemarketers bother me.

Till then, laters y’all!

xoxo

Do you guys think that’s too much for a man?

p/s I heart Dr Feelgood!

I have been busy.

Ok, that’s a lie.

I just have nothing to write? How about that? Better? A tad pathetic really, that for something that’s supposed to chronicle my life, I don’t have anything to write in my own blog.

Well, come to think of it that’s almost a lie as well. I do have things to write but chose not to write them down.

On a somewhat stale and totally irrelevant piece of news, Turak is in KL, attending some God-knows-what courses on behalf of Government of Malaysia. Ok, not really Government of Malaysia, but…well, you know what I’m saying. She’s a public servant, so ’nuff said. She has been here almost 2 weeks and I’m only writing about it until now. Way to stay on top of the news, asm@di!

On another totally unrelated news, I’m thinking of switching job again. Don’t you think it’s time to move on when every task that comes your way doesn’t interest you anymore and makes you go meh? Or the fact that I resent people in my team for pushing the task to me when it’s obviously my work? I know, crazy right? But changing my job is a discussion in my head that is still up in the air so to speak. If a new job gonna happen, then it’s gonna happen. I think I’m just gonna put my resume out there and see how it goes.

Another unrelated note: I need to lose a whole lot of weight in 4 months. In November my sister is getting married and I don’t want to look like a blob in any of the picture. Ok, there’s bound to be some pictures where I will end up looking like a blob (it’s like, the rule of nature or something) but I would like to minimize the number of occurances, you know what I mean?

On beauty news, have started looking after my skin, because I don’t want to be called ganyut. By anyone. Ever. That said I have purchased moisturiser and what not and also have got in the habit of applying toner and moisturiser before I go to sleep. This is addition to 5 kinds of supplement pills that I take everyday for a variety of reasons. Next on the list of item to buy: anti-aging/anti-wrinkle/firming/double lifting cream (did someone say overboard? Yeah, I don’t think so too)

I think that’s enough news to squeeze into one entry don’t you think? See, I told you I’m lying. I do have plenty of things to write about after all.

You know you love me.

xoxo
asm@di

~*~

It was raining when Edan gets home. He is soaked from head to toe, no thanks to a car driver who just drove through the rain puddle and splashed him. He, at that unfortunate moment, was walking on the sidewalk from the train station. ‘I bet he did it on purpose, that bastard’, Edan was thinking, as he peeled off his wets socks from his left foot while balancing himself on his right, wobbling slightly as he did so. His new shoes, his expensive new shoes (Dunhill, which he just bought yesterday) lay sadly on the shoe rack, the rain drops glistening on its shiny leather surface, a few grass stains at the left toe. ‘That bastard!’, he’s thinking again angrily. In his mind he’s convinced that the driver was out to get him. Then he realized how absurd the thought is, how outlandish, and yet can’t shake off the feeling from his head. He rebuked himself for these crazy thoughts.

Today has not been a good day. This morning on the way to his office, he stepped on dog shit just as he was about to cross the road. ‘My precious new shoes!’, he unconsciously blurted out (did he really use the word ‘precious’? How pretentious!), then started to vigorously shuffle his left foot on the grass. To and fro, to and fro he shuffled. When he’s convinced his shoes is clean, he resumed walking to the train station, all the while muttering curses under his breath.

From there on it just got worse, everything turned shitty. The train that he took to work broke down for half an hour in the middle of the track, making him late for work. He should have taken his car instead to work, but this morning he didn’t feel like driving. After all, why should he stress himself with the traffic? But he wished, how he wished he was driving to work this morning. Being stuck in a train is nothing like being stuck in traffic, the stress is greater, and it’s simply killing him. The helplessness of not knowing when the metal contraption will start moving again, people all around him looking bored, or stressed out just like him. The voice from the tiny intercom overhead kept saying that the train would move again in ten minutes, but from experience he knows it’s not true at all. Ten minutes, what a comforting short amount of time, but when stuck underground in a train with hundreds of other people and running late, ten minutes seems like eternity, an eternity that Edan wished would end sooner than ten minutes.

He didn’t understand why he felt so upset by the train breaking down this morning. It’s not like it has never happened before, it’s not a glitch so uncommon it should rock his world. But there he was, angry and upset and also a little bit sweaty just because the train broke down again, he who has experienced it a lot of times. Why should the incident this morning be different than any other times? (and there was nothing different about it either) But there he was, standing in a train with a face that can curdle milk (his mother is fond of saying that whenever he sulks), just because a train broke down. You’re not a true city dweller if you haven’t got stuck in a broken train at least once, someone told that to him when he said to him (or was it her?) that he’s late because of that. This was back when he first started living in the city. What a bold statement, he had thought then, thinking how he could never make a statement like that. What a confident way of putting things in perspective! But now, now he knows it’s not a bold statement at all, the man (why he keeps feeling that it may be a woman who said that to him?) was simply stating the truth - in the city, shit always happen.

He’s supposed he was upset from not being able to control the situation, from not knowing what’s next, from helplessness. There was nothing he can do to make the train moves again (short of telekinesis, but that’s just his fantasy. After all, he’s not convinced there’s such a thing anyway). How long will it last? Did something happen on the ground that the people in the train, deep in the underground, are oblivious about it? So many questions, and yet so little answers. All these questions in his head, swimming around, just increased his irritation even more. Yes, that’s it! It’s not stress, it’s irritation! (how very not him to be upset over a broken train) Irritated because this was not how his morning supposed to be, this was not how his morning usually goes.

Standing in the train this morning amid others just like him, he saw a man in the corner near the door, a man so calm he was almost smiling. He looked utterly unaffected at all by what is happening. There’s no annoyed look, no angry tsking, no constantly looking at his watch, no making calls, no nervous fiddling with his fingers, in fact he looks happy. No, not happy, content, yes, that’s it. Oh, that content look! Edan had this urge to hit this man, this man who looks so calm, so content. He felt he should slap him silly and shake him and scream at him, ‘WHY ARE YOU SO CALM!’. The thought took him by surprise then, like he himself was the one who was slapped on the face. What prompted such crazy thought?

Is it crazy for him to envy this man, this stranger that he saw on the train, a stranger that hasn’t spoken a word to him, to envy him for his calmness? Could he have envied this man because instead of being calm (he has always been a calm person, why couldn’t he be calm this morning?) he did all the things the man in the corner didn’t do: he looked annoyed, and angrily tsking and looking at his watch every few minutes. When the crackly voice from the intercom overhead announced that the train was experiencing technical difficulties, he had immediately whipped out his mobile phone and called his office, telling his secretary about the damn train broken down, and could she push all his appointments for the morning an hour later, and oh, just rescheduled his meeting with that Daud guy, thank you. And then 15 minutes after the announcement, he found himself looking at his fingernails as if it’s an object that truly interests him, something that’s truly precious. He needs a manicure, he couldn’t help thinking about that then(oh vanity!) When the train finally moved, he breathed a sigh of relief (finally!), but still wearing the annoyed expression.

Now that he’s home, the bad mood persist, like an odor that lingers long after the carcass is gone. Instead of picking his socks and putting it in the laundry hamper, Edan left his wet socks next to shoe rack. He just couldn’t be bothered about some wet socks today. What’s the harm in leaving it there anyway? He could always throw it into the laundry hamper later.

Oh, he couldn’t be bothered with a lot of things lately. There’s always this and that and a whole lot of other things – things, hah! – that seems to get in the way, that makes him angry and sad. How can you describe a situation that looks right, but in your heart of hearts you know isn’t?

The truth is – and he knows how truth hurts – is that he’s not happy with his life. Sure, he got a nice house, owned and is being paid for monthly by him (“…bought a townhouse that cost a fortune, and he’s only 30!”, he overheard someone said that about him at a party last month. Presumably there were talking about his house-ownership status) Then there’s the nice car, more than nice really (Iz, his car freak friend said it’s a 2.0 turbo-something beauty but he couldn’t be bothered about that. It works, isn’t it?) that he hardly drives. When was the last time he drove that “beauty” anyway? He’s in relatively good health, constantly going to the gym and eating right (to the point of being obsessive, Iz had pointed out, that fat bastard with hanging gut and double chins) His career is going up and up, which is why he could afford the nice home and that beautiful car.

He knows he should be grateful for the way things are. Friends his age are not that lucky, some of them are still paying off their student loans (he got a scholarship) His life, as somebody told him right to his face, with a mixture of proud and envy, is perfect.

“Perfect my ass!”, Edan whispered to himself.

Why oh why he couldn’t master enough courage to tell these people, all these people that had told him that his life is perfect, that his life is far from perfect. That his life is far from functioning really. No, it’s not from lack of courage, but it’s because he likes to keep that illusion of perfection. I’m perfect! (oh vanity here you are again!)

He moved to the kitchen, peered into the fridge and got himself a bottle of mineral water. He stood next to the sink, opened the kitchen cupboard above it, and got himself a glass. He poured the water into the glass, slowly watching it rising. Halfway through he stopped, picked up the now half-full glass and thirstily gulped down the water.

“The thing is…”, he mused to himself, aware that he sounds like a crazy man talking to himself in this way, but he just couldn’t seem to stop. “The thing is…”, he repeated again to himself - this time with much more conviction, no longer barely audible – “… is that…”.

His mobile phone rings. Soon after, he’s lost in conversation, the thought pushed to the back of his mind.

Was paying for the groceries when the cashier, a girl about the same age as my sister, suddenly asked me in a friendly, almost sing-song manner.

“Awak keje kat mane?”

“KL”, I blurted out, a bit taken aback having a complete stranger enquiring about where I work.

Now, am I being perasan, or did the girl just hit on me? Tell me it isn’t so!!!

(kalau cashier lelaki yang tasty tu lainla cite, ops!)

Anyway, quite a bit of things happened in the last 10 days. My friend Lala finally popped out a baby, about 2 weeks earlier than expected. I told her the baby gonna come in June, but no, no doctor said July, she said. Sekarang sapa yang betul? Aku jugak kan? Mrase tak prepare. ops! *matila carutan!

Have yet to see baby Arissa (that’s the baby’s name by the way) as Lala is holed up at her kampung recuperating. Although from the sound of her voice when she called me last Saturday, she doesn’t seem to be in pantang pon, lagi suara ala-ala ceria ada. Betol ke ko ni pantang nok?! ops!

Which brings me to the topic of kids.

I know most of my friends are hitting 30 this year, but what’s with the proliferation of profile pictures in Facebook/Friendster/YM/what-have-yous featuring their babies and kids?! Is this a conspiracy by the society to pressure me, the ever fabulous and bloody marvelous singleton, to become a breeder and hence… breed?! Gahh!! As a gay man, can’t think of self ever come in contact with a va-jay-jay as it looks rather gross and… cave-like (does this make sense?) *matila aku kene sembelih dengan pompuan2 yang bace blog nie!!

A confession: as much as I had thoughts - on a few rare occasions that involved lots of self-pity while listening to sad songs from the 90’s - of procreating with a woman, it’s not something that I ever think of seriously. To paraphrase what I told a friend, having a kid is expensive (Yes, I’m that stingy and selfish) Have you guys looked at the price of baby’s tote bag lately? Or the price of baby cot, pram, clothes, bottles? This doesn’t include things for the mother such as breast pump, and God knows what else. To top it all up, giving birth itself costs a lot of money!

But let’s be honest with myself and also with you guys here. Cost is not the real issue. Same goes for getting the woman, which I don’t think is a real issue either. I mean, there’s bound to be someone desperate enough to marry a pondan kan? It’s not like it never happened anyway. So yeah, it’s all back to the reason above: the va-jay-jay just creeps the hell out of me. Two holes and there’s a pleasure center called clit-something as well?! And it can actually fart?! I’ll pass.

Eh, ada kumpulan pompuan marah berarak ke arah aku ke?

*larikkkkkk!!!

At your age ah, I think you already need to get married. Someone to take care of your food. This problem you have, all because not eating properly. Don’t let your stomach be empty. *slight pause* But you know, single is also good. Got a lot of freedom. If I can I also want to be single. Can do whatever I want.

Motif cakap pasal kawin?! Sentap!

Of course, that was a much “gentler” experience compared to the one I had a few months ago in another clinic. The doctor - a sturdy elderly man that also happens to be in his 50’s - told me to get on the weighing scale. Even at home I usually dread doing it, but this time I had no choice. Once he saw the figure, the good doctor shook his head and then said:

Aiyo, manyak gumuk!

So memalukan ok! *nanges!