perpetual rush

Went out grocery shopping with my sister last Saturday when something weird happened.

Was paying for the groceries when the cashier, a girl about the same age as my sister, suddenly asked me in a friendly, almost sing-song manner.

“Awak keje kat mane?”

“KL”, I blurted out, a bit taken aback having a complete stranger enquiring about where I work.

Now, am I being perasan, or did the girl just hit on me? Tell me it isn’t so!!!

(kalau cashier lelaki yang tasty tu lainla cite, ops!)

I know, I know, it has been 10 days since the last update. Yes, yes, no excuse. This is the thing about real life. You do and do things suddenly 10 days have passed and people have started tagging your blog as dead *matila visitors menurun! nanges!

Anyway, quite a bit of things happened in the last 10 days. My friend Lala finally popped out a baby, about 2 weeks earlier than expected. I told her the baby gonna come in June, but no, no doctor said July, she said. Sekarang sapa yang betul? Aku jugak kan? Mrase tak prepare. ops! *matila carutan!

Have yet to see baby Arissa (that’s the baby’s name by the way) as Lala is holed up at her kampung recuperating. Although from the sound of her voice when she called me last Saturday, she doesn’t seem to be in pantang pon, lagi suara ala-ala ceria ada. Betol ke ko ni pantang nok?! ops!

Which brings me to the topic of kids.

I know most of my friends are hitting 30 this year, but what’s with the proliferation of profile pictures in Facebook/Friendster/YM/what-have-yous featuring their babies and kids?! Is this a conspiracy by the society to pressure me, the ever fabulous and bloody marvelous singleton, to become a breeder and hence… breed?! Gahh!! As a gay man, can’t think of self ever come in contact with a va-jay-jay as it looks rather gross and… cave-like (does this make sense?) *matila aku kene sembelih dengan pompuan2 yang bace blog nie!!

A confession: as much as I had thoughts - on a few rare occasions that involved lots of self-pity while listening to sad songs from the 90’s - of procreating with a woman, it’s not something that I ever think of seriously. To paraphrase what I told a friend, having a kid is expensive (Yes, I’m that stingy and selfish) Have you guys looked at the price of baby’s tote bag lately? Or the price of baby cot, pram, clothes, bottles? This doesn’t include things for the mother such as breast pump, and God knows what else. To top it all up, giving birth itself costs a lot of money!

But let’s be honest with myself and also with you guys here. Cost is not the real issue. Same goes for getting the woman, which I don’t think is a real issue either. I mean, there’s bound to be someone desperate enough to marry a pondan kan? It’s not like it never happened anyway. So yeah, it’s all back to the reason above: the va-jay-jay just creeps the hell out of me. Two holes and there’s a pleasure center called clit-something as well?! And it can actually fart?! I’ll pass.

Eh, ada kumpulan pompuan marah berarak ke arah aku ke?

*larikkkkkk!!!

On my most recent visit, the doctor - an elderly man in his late 50’s that seems to have too much talcum powder on his face - decided to have a little chit-chat with me. After asking about my work as web designer and about how he can get a website up and running, he thought it best to dispense this piece of (conflicting) advice to me, because I had indigestion.

At your age ah, I think you already need to get married. Someone to take care of your food. This problem you have, all because not eating properly. Don’t let your stomach be empty. *slight pause* But you know, single is also good. Got a lot of freedom. If I can I also want to be single. Can do whatever I want.

Motif cakap pasal kawin?! Sentap!

Of course, that was a much “gentler” experience compared to the one I had a few months ago in another clinic. The doctor - a sturdy elderly man that also happens to be in his 50’s - told me to get on the weighing scale. Even at home I usually dread doing it, but this time I had no choice. Once he saw the figure, the good doctor shook his head and then said:

Aiyo, manyak gumuk!

So memalukan ok! *nanges!

It was a working day, right around afternoon, when I received a call from a close friend a couple of weeks ago.

“As, aku nak mengadu ni“, she said as soon as I picked up the phone. I readied myself to hear her complaints.

A few months ago this friend turned 30. Recently she has started taking Imedeen (you know, the internal skincare product to slow down aging) and it has been showing some results. So she planned to buy more and discovered that if she buys in bulk from the Imedeen boutique, she could get it much cheaper. Ecstatic to share this info, she called everyone to ask whether they want to buy Imedeen along with her.

First she called me (this was a few days before the above-mentioned call) I said don’t want la, I want to save money. I have plans this year that requires some money so she understands.

Next, she called a mutual friend of ours, which I shall call Z, and asked Z if she wants to buy Imedeen along with her. Z’s response totally floored her.

“Bahagian mana yang kau ganyut ni?!” Z shot back as her answer.

My friend didn’t expect that! She was merely sharing and Z called her ancient!

“Aku ni dah ganyut ke As?“, she wailed into the phone.

To which come my standard response to questions that I don’t think need to be answered.

“Motif?!”

~*~

Today I turned 30.

Life goes on. The world didn’t shatter to pieces as I thought it would just because I have hit the big 3-0 (yes, I’m dramatic like that) I don’t feel any different from yesterday. No, turning 30 wasn’t such a big tragedy that I imagined it would be.

Am I supposed to feel different? I don’t know. I always thought I should feel different, what with it being such a big transition and all that. It’s kind of a letdown really not to feel different, since for years I thought that would be the case and now here I am turning 30 and not feeling any different. The dreaded day finally arrived, and I don’t even feel dreadful.

Before anyone ask, no, I don’t feel ganyut. Feeling ancient is far from my mind. What I feel is gratefulness, that I get to live to see 30, and hopefully will live to see another 30 years and have an amazing and fulfilling life. So no, I am not ganyut and so do you my darling friend. We are 30 and we are fabulous and that is all there is to it!

~*~

The ganyut comment is a running private joke between my friend and I now. It’s like a comedy routine that never gets old (no pun intended) that we keep bringing up from time to time.

And the ironic part? Z is the same age as my friend and I. So much for pot calling the kettle black.

I don’t believe in regrets. It’s a dangerous habit to get into - it makes you pause in your life if you start thinking back and questioning yourself.

- Angelina Jolie

Hello!

This is my cat - a male kucing kampung - that I called Yayang. I know, how ‘creative’ of me. My sister calls him by another name and so does my father, so now he doesn’t response to any name. My youngest sister however ‘calls’ him by, “Eeee, benci aku tengok kucing ni!” (she doesn’t like cat. I know, shocking!)

Yayang however does respond to the sound of food, tsk-tsks and the clinks of crockery. He also responds very well to the act of people eating, so if he sees me munching, he will come and meow at me. Macam tak bagi makan, my sister would complain, since she feeds him day and night but this cat, aiyo, pantang nampak orang makan!

He likes to climb (his new hobby) furnitures, my tall stacks of books, basically anything that can he can jump on. He also like to wrestle with and bites people’s hands, complete with kicking the hand and all that. He does however only bite mockingly.

Since Yayang is only a tween cat, he doesn’t have the habit of meowing loudly yet and before that happen I’m gonna have him neutered. Now, if only I can find the time to get him to the vet…

p/s No, he wasn’t growling in that picture. When I snapped that picture, he was meowing to my tsk-tsk sound to get him to look at the camera.

There I was, sitting on a bench, waiting for the bus home. I was sweating, sweating all over. Sweat pouring from my face, from my arms, down my spine into the small of my back and into my butt crack. Damn the dry months and the humid weather! The sweat just kept on dripping, even after I have wiped it. I hate the dry months.

So yes, there I was, fanning myself with an envelope that I found in my bag, a futile attempt of trying to keep me cool. A little later - when the envelope proved to be too flimsy - I fanned myself with the book I was reading. While I Was Gone, the title says, by Sue Miller. I pretty much don’t like the book when I started reading it, and that opinion hadn’t changed even as I was nearing the end. In the humid weather, While I Was Gone turned from work of literature to a fan, and I’m not sorry one bit about it.

So I kept on fanning myself. Fanning here, and fanning there. The sweat was still dripping, my vigorous fanning amounting to nothing except making my right hand tired. Still, I kept on fanning, convinced in the hope that if I just keep on fanning, maybe, just maybe, I would be cool. I switched the book to my left hand.

Then he came. He, with the green shirt and beige pants, both looked a little grimy, worn, with stains all over. There’s a pouch hanging around his waist. His hair unkempt, an unruly mess on his head; the face dark from the sun.

He was making his way straight to me.

I should have got up and ran away then, but for some reason I didn’t. I kept fanning my face. He plonked himself right next to me.

“Panas kan?“, he said, commenting the obvious.

I gave him a polite smile.

“Ni abang ni ha berpeluh-peluh. Abang ni banyak bulu ye?“, while looking at my left arm.

The nerve! My hairy arms are my own business. How dare him?! I was outraged and ready to show it.

“Bang, mintak 5 ringgit bang. Nak beli makanan“, just like that he said it. My outrage was cut short.

I looked at him, and all I saw was filth, filth, filth. I chose not to see his skeletal frame. His pouch, once the color of blue and grey, is now a few shades darker. It looks dirty, dirty, dirty. I ignored the rotating hungry gesture he made at his stomach.

“Saya pon mane ada duit ni. Ni tgh bulan, duit cukup-cukup je.” An unconvincing lie, one that he detected right away.

“5 ringgit je bang. Saya ni baru keluar dari penjara. Daripada saya mencuri, buat keje jahat macam tu, baikla saye mintak.” He said that without a hint of malice.

But all I heard was the word prison. Prison, prison, prison. My face must have changed. I picked up my bag and left, eyes glancing over my shoulder, afraid he might follow me, that he might mug me.

Then the bus came, earlier that I expected. My saviour I said, and heaved a sigh of relief.

It was later, in the safety of the crowd waiting for the bus to open its door, that I realised something: I should have given him that 5 ringgit. My eyes wandered around looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found. Probably wandering around again, asking for money from someone else, someone more giving than I am.

The bus opened its door and I stepped inside with a pang of regret. The bus came early, but my conscience came too late.

click for bigger picture

Thanks to Bedah Matahari, the best online shopper one can ask for *matilaaku!!!

p/s Mak sertakan namecard Bedah sekali dalam gambar tu, as a token of appreciation gitu, hiks!

p/p/s Added my email addy on the sidebar. Don’t spam!

edit: picture edited to remove company name sebab si Bedah takut kantoi, ops!

This morning, I clicked on a link to listen to Lindsay Lohan’s new single, Bossy. Now I have it on repeat.

Internet, please don’t hate me for liking this song. In my defence it’s very catchy!

Don’t believe me? Listen to it yourself (don’t blame me if you get hooked on it!)

la la la la (I get it now)
la la la la (I’m just a little bossy)

Assalammualaikum and good day uols,

Tuh dia mak feeling² muslinyah uols! *sambil pakai tudung laboh, ops!

*korang mesti hengat mak pakai tudung macam ni kan?! choi! buruk sangat, ops!! matila mak kutuk idola ponen² seMalaya!

Well, last time mak buat post ponen mak, ramai kate mak kelakar uols! Melambung pujian orang bagi! Ada yang kate mak lagi kelakar dari Imah *tuh dia propah tak hengat, ops! Crisis, ko nanti repot le kat Imah tu kan?! Mak tau sangat! Dasar pondan dengki sangat *matila kutukan terbuka! hamponkan mak Crisis!!

Imah datang untuk membalas dendam *larikkkkkk

Kaedahnye uols mak nak cite pasal ape yang berlaku lepas mak balik keje semalam. Yela, mak ni penat kan balik keje, maklumla pekerja contoh kan *matila pujian untuk diri sendiri! So mak balik semalam je, mak pon turn on la laptop mak seperti biase untuk mak berinternet bagai kan. Mak feeling² konon nak bace la blog hadek² yang baru nak naik and juga blog hakak² yang dah meningkat naik seperti tubuh badan mereka juga ittew *carot sapa tatau, sambil mak pekop molot, haha! Korang tau la, kalau pondan yang tulis blog harusla meriah dan kelakar kan, sebab pondan kan set² kelakar dan riuh seme ni.

Ko hengat mak ni clown?!! *matila dicarot oleh hakak²!!

Lagi satu uols, mak gigih online malam² tu bukan ape, sebab mak nak download cite² tv kegemaran mak! Semalam torrent Gossip Girl dengan Samantha Who dah keluar uols, so harusla mak download kan? Perluke mak terlepas cite² tv feveret mak?! Dinch perlu occay! Mak dah feeling² dah semalam nak cakap line feveret mak tu! Apekah line ittew? Korang saksikan kat bawah!

Tuh dia ponen memang suka gossip² ni kan? *matila molot puake!

So bile mak dah turned on laptop mak tu kan, mak tengokla modem mak ni ha. Biase modem tu berkelip² kejap je lepas tu dah tak kelip dah, tapi semalam berkelip tak berenti². Ni sah² ade connection problem ni, getus mak dalam hati *matila bahasa novel! Mak pon ingat dalam 15 minit gitu agaknye bolehla connect kan, so mak pon pegila pose² buat needlecraft gitu.

mak pose² menjahit cross stitch sambil mempertahankan negara *matila salah negara!

So mak pon menjahit la dalam ½ jam gitu. Lepas tu mak pon check la kan ape jadi kat modem mak tadi tu.

STILL LAGI BERKELIP² UOLS!!!

Hanjeng sangat Streamyx ni tau!!! Tapi sebab dah malam, dekat nak pukul 12 gitu, and mak pon penat, so mak tidakla berase macam nak menjerit² kat customer service gitu. Mak ingatkan nak call orang Streamyx tu esoknya, tapi mak pikir, nanti takde mase plak kan? So mak pon gigihkan la diri mak call customer service Streamyx ni.

mak pose² jantan serius nak call orang Streamyx *matila kertu dan hongot!!

So mak pon press la butang ape yang patut, and pilih English bile mesin tu tanye language *sambil bersedia dgn nada ketwat mak.

Tapi malam tadi mak penat and mengantuk uols, so nada ketwat mak tak jadi. Bile customer service exec tu angkat, mak pon citela ape problem mak dengan nada suara yang agak lemah dan gemalai. By the way kan uols, suara customer service exec tu jantan sangat, merembes mak kejap! *matila selingan!!

Customer service exec tu pon dengar la masalah mak ni. Lepas tu dia pon bertanya kepada mak:

So, can you tell me your username MISS? Dia ingat mak woman uols!

MAK NANGES!!!